[She had never really seen Blaze this type of upset before, he looked betrayed, and it hurt her too because she knew she was to blame. At the same time, though, she couldn’t stop herself from being angry about it too. She almost forgot who she was talking to, because it was instinct to get violent in these situations, but this wasn’t just anybody..this was Blaze. And whether or not things were how they always were, it was still Blaze. When he spoke he sounded like he was laughing at her, like this was a joke, and hell it didn’t help the situation.] Can you stop saying that? “Dumping you” like I’m throwing you out like garbage. Breakups don’t always have to be like this, yelling at each other. I get that you’re pissed, I’d be pissed, bu- [Angus, whose hand had slammed down onto the table earlier, stopped her words as Blaze motioned to his jacket. The barista was nearing them from the other side of the shop, probably to tell them to leave. This wasn’t the place for breaking things, not mugs, not glasses, not hearts. She didn’t know where Blaze was going with this, and she wanted to cut him off and tell him that she did think, that she’d been thinking for months about it and she’d chosen to leave because it was something she wanted, and because she thought she knew him well enough to believe he’d want her to go too. She thought what she was doing was right, and though she expected to feel bad about things, she never imagined feeling like this. Blaze pulled the envelope out from his coat, and Angus took it as he told her. There were so many thoughts, one being that he had it on him and probably intended on telling her today too, another being that he would have been gone for two years, and another being that she’d had let him. But most of all the sound of his voice was repeating in her head: I wasn’t going to go if you stayed. I did think twice. Angus gripped the envelope hard as she read the words, her hand was hovering over her mouth, and her eyes were reddening. She didn’t know what to say, or if she could say it, but this was the worst she’d felt in her entire life. She was going to start crying, and she didn’t want that. Shrugging while holding back tears,] I…I guess we both kept secrets. Congratulations. [Angus missed a breath, but gave a forced smile because her congratulations was genuine, because she was happy for him, she just didn’t know how to fix this. She handed the paper back to him, releasing it without even being sure if he had it. Her voice was low when she spoke, and cracking.] I’m sorry.
[The whole scene had beat the barista by seconds. As soon as she handed the letter back to Blaze, she grabbed her bag with a low head, hair falling to cover her face. She mumbled a muffled sorry to the waiter and headed right past her lover, shoulders almost clashing accidentally.]
[Blaze had gone through a couple breakups before Angus came along, four to be exact. He didn’t exactly know where things were ultimately headed in this conversation, but what he did know was that it felt worse, standing there with her, than it had ending things with any of the other girls he had been with. He couldn’t explain why he was standing there so angry with her, more than he had ever been, over exciting news. Even with his nostril flaring, he was going back and forth in his head with himself. Was he being ridiculous? He couldn’t tell anymore, but it didn’t matter - now that he was all worked up, he couldn’t just shake it off. Angus was the oner person he’d go to when he was worked up, when he was stressed or angry or worried or freaking out in anyway. And now he was lashing out at her, at the girl he cared about more than anything. He would’ve responded to what she had said, but he didn’t know what to say anymore. He didn’t know how else to explain things, he didn’t know when he started letting himself go off on his girlfriend, and he didn’t know where they could go from here. Not when he had some news for her as well. After handing her the letter and filling her in, he watched her face. Blaze watched her reaction, and he could tell that she was holding back tears - that was when he felt his mood start to shift back to a calmer one and he was feeling like shit. Just not in the same way he had before. This time, he was feeling guilty.] I got it a couple of days ago, I just….I didn’t know how to bring it up. [I’m sorry. It hit him with more impact than he was expecting. Blaze didn’t know how things had gotten so out of hand and all he wanted was to redo everything, to go back to the beginning of the conversation and to do things differently. Because as she rushed past him, it already felt like they were over.]
Wait. [His voice came out hoarse, his eyes starting to water from the sudden realization of their relationship crashing down. Angus was walking away, but he wasn’t letting things end like this. He grabbed his things and ran after her. When he caught up with her, he stood in front of her and took a moment before saying anything.] I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have blown up like that. I, I don’t know what…I’m just scared. [He sighed, knowing what he had to say.] I don’t want a long distance relationship. I can’t, Angus, I can’t do it. And I’m sorry that I made everything about me. I should be congratulating you and making you feel good about where you’re headed. You deserve it, you don’t deserve this. [His voice was shaky but he managed to get the words out.] And I should have said all of that before, you know, instead of flipping out on you like a crazy person.
[It was like the airy conversation had taken a leap, and what was hopeful had shifted to reality, as Blaze explained the bad sides to what they were trying at. Angus’s face fell, her smile slowly fading into a pout, and her eyes softening.] I guess, you’re right, we’d hate it. There’s always owls and visiting and stuff, that’s a thing. [When he said he’d miss her, it felt more like a goodbye than a statement, and it gutted her stomach. It was like things were turning, and her letting go of him was switching sides. Both of their bodies jumped from the table as the coffee dripped off of the edges, but Angus leaned her body across the table, and managed to stop the drink from dripping off the sides with napkins. Blaze’s tone changed dramatically from what it was a few minutes before, and at his words Angus’s body slowly rose to face him from the table, her eyebrows knit, she hadn’t expected this.] Shitty? I wasn’t trying to be shitty. I didn’t want it to go down in a bad way, I didn’t want you to think I was leaving and keeping you here like a side piece. That would have been shitty-I wasn’t trying to be shitty. [Angus started to explain herself, but she couldn’t help that her voice started to match the riffs of his own. She was fine until he asked her his last question, as if she’d been putting it off this whole time to spite him, as if she wanted to hurt him. She was offended, and it made her angry.] That’s not fair. I was starting to believe that the long distance thing would work and that maybe I wouldn’t have to go through with everything. I didn’t come here to hurt you, I didn’t even want to come here, I didn’t want you to be angry. I didn’t get to the part because I didn’t think I had to anymore. Am I wrong?
[Blaze nodded, raising his eyebrows in acknowledgement of what she was saying.] Yeah, that is a thing, you’re right. All I’m saying is that it’s a big leap from seeing each other practically all the time to periodically. [Moments later, things changed drastically. The way he lashed out at her wasn’t like him at all. At least, it wasn’t what many people had seen from him before. There were only a few people that could get his blood pumping the way Angus just had, and it was usually rooted in something bigger than it seemed. Just like what was happening right now. He couldn’t even begin to express everything that he wanted to, he couldn’t begin to deal with the flood of emotions coming his way - not from him, or her. So, he channelled it into something he seldom did; anger. With nostrils flaring, he practically laughed at what she said.] You didn’t? Well, how the hell were you going to manage to break up with me in a good way? Look, I get that you wanted to come in here and end things so that I wasn’t waiting back here for you while you’re at training, I get that. But, you can’t expect me to feel good about the fact that you were going to dump me. And, yeah, I feel shitty - I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I can’t be by your side while all this is happening. And I’m pissed that I can’t manage to convince myself things are going to work out. But mostly i’m just pissed at myself. [The tone in his voice had started to shift before he could finish, less harsh but not lacking in any of the feeling.] Because you didn’t think twice about leaving. Whether I’d be waiting for you back here or not, And I did. I did think twice. [Blaze reached into his bag and pulled out an envelope, which held a piece of paper inside. After taking the paper out of the envelope, he stared at it for a moment before looking up at her and extending his arm to hand it to her.] It’s from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. I was accepted. I got in the program. I wasn’t going to go if you stayed. It’s a lot of work and a lot of traveling for about two years - and that’s just the training. [Blaze lowered his head, quiet for the moment.]
[Angus smiled, half because Blaze was trying to hold one back, and half because he felt the way she felt about things, and that was always reassuring.] We think too much, you know? See before I met you I never used to think, and now I think so much. [Angus began to roll her tongue around in her mouth, thinning her lips as Blaze spoke about long distances. They were wizards though, it would be easier for them, wouldn’t it? Then again, nothing was ever really easier for them.] Well I haven’t exactly been in a lot of relationships, so I don’t know how it works either. I don’t think I’d hate it. [Everything was going tolerably smooth, until Blaze had caught on to what this coffee break was about, and Angus was stunned and at a loss for words when he asked her about her intentions.] I-..[She panicked, spilling out] No-no, I didn’t, I mean, I did, I mean-I didn’t know what to do. I was thinking it would be so hard, and it would mess with everything. And hold you back, you, you’re going to do so much and I didn’t want it to get in the way of that. I didn’t-! [Angus’s arms had been moving with her words, and they popped up from their position on the table in a panic, accidentally knocking over the coffee. Brown began to spread, and she jumped nervously, grabbing napkins to dab away the liquid.] Oh god! I’m so sorry, shit.
I can’t tell if I should feel happy to have had an effect on you or feel bad for making you go through my own personal form of psychosis. [He was smiling now. They both were, and it was nice for a moment. But just for a moment. The conversation was back on track within seconds.] ….We’d be in two different countries, Angus. And we’ve hardly been away from each other for more than a month. I’m just kind of freaking out. I’m not saying that i don’t want to make it work, it’s just that, I know we’re going to hate it. I’ll miss you like crazy. [Blaze was starting to get really warm; the more he thought about it, the more bitter the taste in his mouth was. The last time he’d been away from a girlfriend for so long didn’t exactly end well. It kind of wrecked him actually. With a sigh, he rubbed the back of his neck and took a sip from his coffee.] ….I don’t know. [Now he could feel his neck burn up, the way she was answering his question adding more and more aggravation to him. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint why, but he knew what he was feeling.] I can’t believe you- [Before he could get out his sentence, coffee was spilling all over the table. He quickly rose from his chair with his hands raised a bit and just stood there as she started cleaning up.] I can’t believe you brought me here so you could dump me and then run off to Ireland. It’s just shitty, I feel like I just walked into a freaking death trap. [He paused, shaking his head. Maybe he was overreacting, but his day wasn’t exactly turning out to be what he had hoped.] I guess you didn’t get up to the part where you tell me we’re over yet, huh?
[Guilt swept over Angus in droplets of coffee, in sips, warming her insides. She could see Blaze trying to be calm about the situation, she noticed him go for the cup multiple times, and the way his eyebrows arched and moved as he spoke. His voice was lower than normal, and all of the things she knew about him and the way he was made her feel even worse about everything. Angus shrugged.] Yeah, sounds about right. It depends. [Angus’s cheeks grew red, and she dropped her flushed head to look down at her twitching fingers, she played around with her palms to make them stop. She always told people she didn’t get nervous, that before a game she was the most confident she’d ever be, but that was a lie. Seconds until the starting sound, she would shake, her hands vibrating on her broom.] Oh, stop. I’m good here but over there, you’re nobody. I’m not afraid though. [When Blaze said that they could work it up, somehow, Angus’s head shot up. She had thought this long and hard, and breaking up with Blaze seemed like the only option, but whatever he was saying was convincing her that there were other ways. That, letting go of him, didn’t have to be an option. Her crystal eyes lit up, because for a moment she believed him, that they could. And all of a sudden she didn’t know what to believe.]
It’s us. I mean-it is us. I would..want to make it all work, you know. So much. I want us to be fine. I don’t know..though…about like, the future. Like you can’t decide what happens it just happens and I’m scared that it’s not going to happen how I want it to. But it’s us. Right? We’ll..it’ll…be okay, can we? Do you think so? [It seemed that Blaze, who was the one at loss in this conversation, had been asking Angus whether or not she believed they would make it. Yet, her response wasn’t an answer, but a question back to him, because she didn’t know the answer herself.] I don’t want to hold you back.
[There was something about the way she was and the way she was making him feel that had Blaze trying his best to fix things. He couldn’t stand to see her like this; it was a subtle fear i her eyes, a worry that he recognized. And, without thinking, he was doing what he could to protect her from it - all while trying to keep his own emotions at bay, that is. It wasn’t until she lifted her head and her eyes lit up from the words he was saying, that he realized what he was promising and what he left out. With all the excitement, he’d forgotten. But she was yammering away, a newfound hope apparent in her stutters, and he was smiling again. Maybe it didn’t matter.]
I want us to be fine too, more than anything else. [He bit his lip, trying to hold back a laugh as she started talking about not knowing what was going to happen in the future and being scared and essentially wanting things to turn out the way she planned and wanted.] It’s like you took a page out of my inner monologues and just read one of them to me. [But it’s us. He knew that he was the one who said it first, who asked the question first, but now she was firing back with the same question towards him. Truthfully, he’d been looking for some kind of reassurance from her and not getting it made his skin crawl.] I don’t know, Angus. I mean, I’ve never been in a long distance relationship before. Never really intended on it either, but maybe we could? [There was no way he could say yes, there just wasn’t. Blaze couldn’t sit there and tell her that it was definitely going to be okay, not when he was so unsure himself. He just didn’t want to let her go. His eyebrows arched, realizing something.] Wait. Did you ask me to meet you here so you can break up with me? [Then, what she said hit him like a ton of bricks.] And w-what do you mean hold me back? From what?
[Blaze’s initial reaction wasn’t exactly what Angus wanted to hear, but it wasn’t like she didn’t expect it. If it were her, she’d probably be the same. He played it off well though, and seemed happy for her, because he knew it was something she really wanted. His words made Angus calmer, and eager to talk about the trip with him, even just for a moment.] I know! It’s almost like a dream, I didn’t think I’d be actually..going, you know? [Angus smiled, tucking pieces of hair behind her ear.] …You are? Uh-thank you. [Angus’s eyes lit up, and she nibbled at her lip, because though the feeling had escaped her it was back, and it was written all over his face. There had to be a name for this. Angus’s head dropped.] Uhm, yeah I’ve been a few times, but not long. Training is a few months, five maybe? It depends on the camp setting. And then tryouts, and if I get a spot on a team I could be scheduled anywhere…so, I don’t know? I don’t..that’s uhm, that’s the thing.
[Angus smiled for the first time in their conversation, and Blaze couldn’t help but do the same. He letting go, even for as short a moment as she did, made everything that was problematic with the situation seem unimportant. She was following her dream and he didn’t have a right to be worried or upset about her leaving to do so - though, that didn’t keep him from feeling those things.] Of course. I’m happy for you, even if it is in Ireland and that means we might have to spend some time apart. It’s worth it. [He started to feel as if he was trying to convince himself, rather than her. It seemed useless, though, when she continued on about how long she’d be gone for. Blaze hated the answer she gave, and, this time, he couldn’t hide it. He immediately grabbed his coffee and took another sip, as if it would help him to escape the conversation.] So, you’re saying at least five months, maybe more depending on how things go. [He rubbed the back of his neck, unable to picture a scenario where she didn’t make the team. He couldn’t even let his selfishness allow him to imagine something so ridiculous.] Angus….you’re gonna make the team. But, that’s a given. It’s just….I mean, I don’t know, it’ll be hard being away from you. There’s no denying that, but we can make it work somehow. It’s us, we’ll be fine….right?
[She watched as Blaze took a sip from his coffee, Angus’s face in pure panic. She looked so sad, scared almost, like she was struggling to breathe, like she couldn’t move her arms because her bones were too fragile.]
I just, I’ve been thinking a lot and it wasn’t easy you know, deciding, because, you know…It’s not that I’m not happy here with everyone, or that I don’t love everyone. It’s not like long either, I just don’t- [Suddenly though, Blaze said something that calmed her which she’d never had expected. “It’s me.” he said, and it was like things had become different. It was him, Blaze, this boy that was her first everything, and she had so many feelings towards him. But, it was just him, and she could tell him anything. She stopped scratching for a moment, and looked into him like he’d said something amazing, taking a deep breath.]
I’m leaving in a few weeks for training..in Ireland.
[He was trying to hide his growing anxiousness. All he could do was comfort her, try and make it easier for her to say what she so clearly needed to. Blaze was scared to take a breath, afraid that it might come out shaky and tell all his fears. He bit his lip and listened to his girlfriend finally get the words out. All he could manage was a single word, barely even one.] Oh. [The first thing he felt was excitement. Training - that was great, it was what she wanted. He always knew she’d probably wind up heading to training eventually and it was something he said he’d back her up on, not that they’d talked about it much. The second feeling wasn’t as enjoyable. Nor was the third or fourth. Or any of the other hundreds of emotions. It didn’t exactly help that they seemed to flood his head all at once either. It took him a moment or two before he could form an actual sentence.]
Well, that’s- that’s great. I mean, it’s what you want, right? You’re taking the steps to get where you need to be. I’m proud of you. [And he truly was. After swallowing hard, he cleared his throat and continued.] I hear that ireland’s really nice too, you know. But, um, for how long are you gonna be there?
[Angus thought about how this would go in her head, but her imagination always stopped before she could speak. She’d never had to break up with someone before, she never had to leave anyone, not since letting go of her mother. She’s never had to do this before, and she’s also never felt such a tight pain in her chest before, like ropes were rubbing against her. She began to scratch. Either way, she had to be serious, but that wasn’t hard when she anxiously reacted to Blaze’s little joke.]
I wasn’t! Running away from you, I wasn’t.
[From previous arguments, it was a trait of Angus to always be very nervous before speaking, and she often beat around the bush until she couldn’t take it anymore, but she couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t like this feeling, it was new, and she didn’t like it. Hopefully this would make it go away.] Blaze I really need to tell you something. [The waiter had walked by and placed Blaze’s order on the table without looking back, and Angus grabbed hold of it and took a sip with her eyes closed. Bad idea, it tasted like him. The feeling wasn’t going away, make it go away.] I’ve been..I knew about..it’s been hoarding in me for a while and..I wanted to tell you first. I mean, I told November, of course, but uhm, but just November. So second, second.
[Blaze stared across the table at Angus as she anxiously answered him back. He didn’t like the way she responded, but he didn’t choose to read too much into it. It was nothing, she was probably just having an off day.] Alright, I believe you - don’t worry.
[He shot her a reassuring smile before taking a sip of the coffee that he had ordered. The second one he took after hearing her say that she needed to tell him something. The fact of the matter was that, nine times out of ten, that wasn’t a good sign. Neither were any of the other ones - how odd she had been acting since he arrived, the lack of excitement on her face, her dragging out whatever it is she needed to tell him. But, this was them. Everything had always been so good. Nothing was wrong - right? With a deep breath, he answered back.] Okay, well, what is it? [The way she was babbling on, not really saying much, wasn’t easing him at all. He knew sometimes he got the same way in times of awkwardness and stress, but, he just wanted to know what was up.] Just tell me, Angus. C’mon. It’s me.
[It looked exactly how it was, like Angus was running away when he’d caught her, and she couldn’t blame him for the confusion on his face. But at the same time, he looked kind of worried. Maybe it was because she looked worried, like someone had died, or something. She kept her head down and took a deep breath, forcing herself to sit across him at the round table by the window, mumbling something under her breath about fuck and life.]
-Yeah, yeah uhm, hi. I was just going to get some fresh air, that’s all. But never mind, not important. There are more important things, I guess.
[He might have been a little confused as to what was going on, but he wasn’t going to dwell on it. Though, the way she was acting wasn’t exactly helping him to keep that going - and that look of confusion was back before it left his face. She seemed a little uncomfortable, or at least that’s how he was reading things. Either way, he tried a joke out to test the waters. There was a strange vibe in the air that he wasn’t too fond of and he needed to know if he was just imagining things.]
You sure? For a minute there I thought you were trying to get out of here before I could show up or something.
[It wasn’t that Blaze was late; Angus was just super early. She’d been sitting at the small coffee table in Diagon Alley for a half hour before she asked Blaze to come down to talk to her. She had to think about what she was doing for the last time, and she was turning into the kind person that gives themselves time to quit. That thirty minute window was to quit, change her mind, or to run away and not have to face what was coming for her with everyone. She wasn’t used to being on her own. The barista had asked multiple times if she wanted something, a small coffee that couldn’t rest her stomach. Angus couldn’t wait anymore, she couldn’t do it, she wasn’t strong enough. She got up from the table in a breath, grabbed her bag and shot for the door, but she ran into a familiar chest before she could escape. Thirty minutes were up. It was now or never.] Jesus f-
[Blaze hadn’t been doing much of anything when she asked him to meet her in Diagon Alley, so he threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and headed off per her request. There was a lot on his mind, but that was nothing new. He was always worrying about a million different things at once, planning ahead and mapping out the possible routes different situations could go in. There was something about planning that put him at ease in times of stress, though most just didn’t understand that part. When he arrived there, he bumped into exactly who he was supposed to be meeting. Except, it seemed as if she was heading for the door and that sure as hell confused him. Nevertheless, gave her a quick kiss and headed for an the table, before giving the barista a nod that signaled he’d be having the usual. None of this, however, without arched eyebrows that asked for an explanation.] …Angus? You did ask me to come and meet you, right? I’m not losing my mind over here, am I?